Where I've Been with HIV

Okay, I must first start by apologizing to everyone who communicates with me via my blog. I have not wrote anything in a few months now. But, I have been going through a few things that have prevented me from being diligent in matters of this nature.

The past few months have reminded me so vividly of why I Wouldn't Trade the Rain. Working as an HIV Case Manager, I can honestly say that at sometimes it is easy to become immuned to the sensitivities of individual situations. It is easy to become numb to the tangible pain of life that persons experience as a result of the disease process, the psycho-social attendants, the stigma, and discrimination that surrounds it and more.

However, in January I was advised by my medical provider to have a spinal tap. I was forewarned of the risks involved in this procedure. I was told that at most, I would experience severe headaches. I did not think that this would be a problem, being that I already experienced migraines on a daily basis. However, following the procedure, I felt as though I was getting in a head on collision every minute that I was awake. On a scale of 1 to 10 the pain was a 25. I was out of work for 3 weeks, considering short term disability, experiencing episodic depression, and on every legal narcotic available. Yet, the pain did not subside. Eventually, the pain went away on its own.

Later this year, I went out to eat with my partner and a few friends, and a re-occuring demon in my life surfaced its ugly head. A day later, I was vomiting and could not hold down water. I had been food poisoned. I constantly drank water, but as soon as I would drink it, it would come out of me. Now, I had sat out of work for a week. I am definitely thankful to work in an environment that understands.

After talking to healthcare professionals at my place of employment, I realized that I had to find a way to negotiate with my healthcare provider and make him realize that something was wrong. Every time I would have labs drawn, my lab values would be superb. This did not make sense to me, because it seemed as though every month, I was taking off work because of a new illness. After education and role plays, prayer and contemplation, I believed that it was time for me to start a HIV regimen. I know many are usually afraid of the side affects when starting, but I was looking forward to it. I figured the only way to beat it, is to become one with it. Also, I was diagnosed in 1997 at the age of 17 and had gone this long without medications, so I could not complain. I am definitely blessed.

After discussing the situation with my doctor, he was very reluctant to prescribe a regimen. He practices from a very conservative school of thought. But, I knew that regardless of what my lab values were saying, my body was saying something totally different. I got him to admit that there are times that the body and the lab values are not in harmony. He told me of a time that a patient in this situation had thrush, so he prescribed a regimen immediately. This was interesting. So, I suggested that he test me for thrush. To my and his dismay, that is what it was all along. I was treated for the thrush and was prescribed a regimen at that moment.

Out of all the combination therapies, why did he have to choose Sustiva and Truvada? The very thought of Sustiva terrified me. I was scared of the nightmares really. Everything else, I could deal with. But, I convinced myself to look forward to them. And, surprisingly, they never came. I just experienced nausea, vomiting, and fatigue beyond belief. But, after about 3 weeks, my body became adjusted and I am doing absolutely fabulous. I can honestly say that I have not had this much energy or felt this good in nearly 2-3 years. Now, I can do more than empathize with my clients; I can truly sympathize. As twisted as this may seem, I feel more connected to the fight now. I feel as though I now have a right to wear a martyr crown. But, the greatest crown will be worn the day that the fight is over. I long for the day that there is no client and I have no job in this field, because we have eradicated this disease.

God's Judgement on Heterosexuality

Origins in Creation

The inability of heterosexuals to form lasting, stable relationships has long been noted. A survey of the biblical material provides a sad witness to this inability -- and one explanation for its source -- in God's judgment upon Adam and Eve. This judgment provides a climax to the creation account in Genesis (3.16) and may therefore be taken as substantive testimony to God's eternal plan for humanity. This passage explains the tragic inability of heterosexuals to work together as equals: the female is cursed by being placed under male rule, rather than coexisting as the full and equal partner that a healthy and life-giving relationship requires. This divinely mandated order or hierarchy -- which has institutionalized a veritable "civil war of the sexes" -- fosters the incapacity for mutuality that renders stable heterosexual relationships nearly impossible -- a fitting punishment for the failure to act in obedience to the God who welcomed his creatures into a relationship based on mutual trust and responsibility.

The rest of the biblical material portrays the unfortunate consequence of this constitutional incapacity. Even the patriarch Abraham, who in all other respects was a model of fidelity, was willing to deny his wife and turn her over as a potential concubine. (Gen. 12.13) The overwhelming majority of heterosexual relationships portrayed in Scripture are devoid of any appearance of human care, affection, mutuality, concern, or love. Few of the heterosexual relationships that do evince a degree of personal commitment are monogamous. For example, Elkanah shows real fondness for his barren wife Hannah, but not enough to refrain from having a second wife to bear him children. One is hard pressed to find even a handful of faithful, loving, lifelong, monogamous, heterosexual relationships in the whole of Scripture.

We must remember, however, that God's power is perfected in weakness. The people of Israel departed from the true path time and again, yet were capable of repentance and redemption. So too, God will be patient with erring heterosexuals who repent of their sinful behavior and return to God. The analogy between Israel's corporate misbehavior and the personal behavior of heterosexuals is firmly and dramatically linked in Scripture: heterosexual adultery and prostitution are types of idolatry on Israel's part throughout the prophetic and poetic literature, so much so that at times it is difficult to determine if the acts under condemnation are cultic or sexual in nature. The heterosexual activity (real or figurative) is almost always paired with a call to repentance, and an offer of divine forgiveness. A striking example of this in the New Testament is Jesus' forgiveness of the woman taken in adultery. The Lord forgives her, while making it clear he considers her behavior to be "sin." This is one of the few times the Gospel directly and specifically designates any behavior by the title of "sin." Indeed, of all specific individual acts identified in the Gospel as "sin," half are heterosexual in nature; the others relate to the denial and betrayal of Jesus himself. It is a sign of God's great mercy that the former sins are forgiven while the latter are retained: this fact should serve as a reminder of the gravity of heterosexual sin in God's eyes as well as God's patience with the sinner.

Heterosexual Behavior vs. the Heterosexual Condition

Some argue that while heterosexual behavior is sinful, the heterosexual condition is not, and that heterosexuals are capable of leading normal, full, and happy lives within the moral framework determined by the church.

While this is to a large extent an accurate understanding, the church must also warn of the dangers of sin at the level of volition that precedes action. Both the Old and New Testaments warn of the insidious nature of such heterosexual sin. The Tenth Commandment (Exod 20.17) clearly places the mental act of coveting one's neighbor's wife in the same moral universe as outright adultery. Jesus repeats and emphasizes this connection in the Sermon on the Mount (Matt. 5.28). Given this Scriptural witness it is difficult to see that heterosexual inclination is in any way less culpable than heterosexual action, unless involuntary and immediately rejected by an exercise of the will and moral judgment. Such an understanding must rule as sinful, therefore, all pornographic or semi-pornographic material so widely available in our society. (The latter includes much advertising that appears, at first, to be completely unrelated to heterosexuality, but uses a heterosexual subtext in order to market a product.)

The church may be informed, if not guided, by the findings of science on this issue. However, the scientific community is not yet in full agreement as to the etiology of heterosexuality, or the treatment of its more egregious manifestations. While it appears that heterosexual behavior is to a large extent genetically conditioned, and early environmental factors play a significant part in its development -- for neither of which an individual could be held responsible -- still the possibility to refuse to engage in heterosexual acts is always available to the adult person capable of exercising reasonable and free choice. Despite the intensity of the heterosexual inclination, the exercise of the will and moral judgment can assist all but the most clinically unstable heterosexual from committing acts judged to be immoral by the church. Because of this, there can be no question about the position the church must take when dealing with unrepentant, avowed, overt and open heterosexuals who not only commit such acts, but go so far as to brag about the number of their sexual liaisons (many of them made through contacts in such sordid institutions as "singles bars"). The danger to the young -- quite apart from the risk of becoming objects of predatory heterosexuals, and perhaps by this means being recruited to their ranks -- is multiplied by the bad example heterosexuals might present if their behavior were to be mistakenly considered worthy of emulation. For this reason, any toleration of heterosexuals or heterosexuality must be examined with great care and precise clarity, lest the wrong message be sent to our young people, who represent the future of the church and society.

The marriage of heterosexuals

Given the statistics on infidelity, divorce, abortion, rape, the abuse of spouses and the predatory assault upon children by heterosexuals, it would appear that few heterosexuals are capable of the fundamental, mutual self-giving required to support a lifelong, committed relationship. The biblical material on this matter is again unambiguous. When Jesus told the disciples that the only permissible exercise of heterosexual behavior was within the context of a lifelong, faithful, monogamous marriage, his disciples exclaimed that it was impossible. Jesus went on to assert that while not impossible, it was a supernatural gift only a few could be expected to accept. (Matt. 19.10-11)

The Pauline material does not forbid heterosexual marriage, but certainly does not encourage it. Paul's preferential option is for abstinence. Paul spent much of his ministry dealing with the weaknesses of heterosexuals in the early church, counseling them, if at all possible, to avoid entering marriages he knew few of them would be able to sustain, yet allowing it for those unable to control themselves. (1 Cor 7) At the same time, Paul warned against any heterosexual activity outside marriage. Clearly this creates a pastoral dilemma for the church, and an opportunity to exercise forgiveness for those incapable --through no fault other than the constitutional weakness that afflicts so many heterosexuals -- of achieving the highest standards of Christian behavior.

The heterosexual agenda

Even considering the church's call to forgiveness and understanding, it would be highly inappropriate to support the so-called "heterosexual agenda" in the secular arena. The church was, to a certain extent, taken unawares when the greatest victory of the heterosexual special interest group was achieved: the liberalization of divorce laws in many parts of the world. Similarly, heterosexual lobbyists have been hard at work mounting efforts to decriminalize heterosexual acts still forbidden by statute in many states, to lower the age of consent for sexual activity between persons of the opposite sex, and to legalize prostitution and the distribution of pornography. Heterosexuals are also fervent in their efforts to retain the special rights that they have managed to secure, rights not afforded to other citizens.

The heterosexual lobby operates politically, but a more insidious influence may well be through the disproportionate heterosexual representation in the entertainment field and in the media. Heterosexuals hold tight control over almost every communications medium, and the proportion of content favorable to heterosexuality is overwhelming. Scarcely a television program or film is released to the public without at least one major heterosexual character, often the hero or heroine, and the effects of this culture-war are already becoming evident in moves towards greater toleration of heterosexual excesses. A sign of the influence of the heterosexual movement is the growing use of the term "straight" to describe heterosexuals. This novel meaning given to a perfectly ordinary word is an example of the attempt to "mainstream" the heterosexual lifestyle, and it is fundamentally misleading -- relationships as intricate, complicated and twisted as those of most heterosexuals would scarcely be called "straight" in the ordinary sense of the word.

The church and the heterosexual

The church is not only competent to forgive the moral error involved in heterosexual acts, it is also able to appeal to the state for mercy and some consideration of the broken condition of the heterosexual offender. The church should model its behavior on Christ, who while acknowledging the sinfulness of the woman taken in adultery, enjoined the crowd to remit the punishment justly due to her. However, it would be improper for the church to seek completely to prevent the exercise of secular law, which may serve--if not as a corrective--at least as a warning of the consequences of immorality.

Conclusion

After all is said and done, we continue to affirm that heterosexuals, despite the sinfulness of their behavior, are children of God, and worthy of our care and pastoral concern. They are more to be pitied than censured. With the pastoral care and counsel of the church, firm in its resolve that there will be no outcasts, they may grow to that "full stature of mature manhood in Christ" promised to all faithful believers.

Letter to HIV/AIDS

01 December 2005

HIV/AIDS
World AIDS Day
Planet Earth

Dear HIV/AIDS:

I lived a life of shame and guilt, not loving others and never loving myself. That’s when I began to do any and everything, desperately trying to be loved by someone else. I thought it was strange that I found love. Now I do wish it had come from above. I thought it was strange he could never look into my eyes. I thought it was strange he seemed cold inside. He gave me love and I invited him in. Never knowing that you would be his unknown twin. When it was discovered that you were already here, it was too late and I began to fear. Fear took over my sprit, body, and mind. I began to tremble and cry and wished I would die. I tried that several times and thankfully I failed, because now I can make it, since I’ve learned to travail. I made you a promise that day; one that I have kept and one that I have meant. It’s no way you’re going to live in my body without paying rent. Before decided to live with me, you should have read the lease. There are no subsidies or specials and I am damn sure not free. I come with a price that I see you cannot afford to pay. So, I’ve decided to take action in a more offensive way.

I’ve decided to live truth and tear down all walls. If I tell my story, maybe another won’t fall. Even if they do, I will be there to pick them up. Encouraging them to keep moving, and to never get stuck. When some feel hopeless and feel they’re in hell, I will push, pull, and carry then the fuck out of there. You’re not worth a visit and definitely not with whom to live, and the first time I get a chance, I will kill you with a thrill.

You may ask if this is a threat? Consider it what you want. You will feel the same affects. By Prevention and Treatment you must die. With Truth and Education you can’t stay alive. We will rid ourselves of ignorance, because it will no longer be an excuse. We will arm ourselves with research and knowledge, that will be used to destroy you.

I thought it only fair, that I send you this note. I don’t want you to be startled when we appear in court. I’m a far better man than you can ever be, not once have I ever broken my lease. I’m more of a woman than you can ever get, I don’t use lies and deceit, for I’m the best of the rest. Lastly, there are two things that we must make clear. I don’t live with you. You do live with me. I won’t die with you. You will die with me.